A Nonplus
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one --- person, no different from any other --- person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. And I hate love."
Thanks to Adri and the great Neil Gaiman.
10:32 PM
Friday, March 23, 2007
Wander-dreaming
One might think that it would be insanely to seat in one corner and at least, reflect and dream. But I tell you, it has never been that good and that new. To wander in a lot of dreams is very promising, it makes us feel good... and very cool.
I switched the TV off very early, relative to the normal hours. Then after clearing all the mess in my room, all the photocopies, test papers, quizzes, love notes... etc., I went to bed and played some music.
I was actually sleepy at first but later on, I found it amusing listening to my favorite old songs. Then I have thought of a lot of things.... wonderful things. And I realized that I never really lost the passion for sad music.
Oh well, it was just one of the happiest moments of my life. Please ignore this post, for this might not mean anything. ♣
3:48 PM
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Galumphing is quite over
People often ask me about the things that I am busy with, now that I am finished with the undergrad level. I mentioned undergrad since I am pursuing grad studies soon, in a month more or less. And there's only one thing that I used to tell them: I ain't busy at all coz I am not doing anything at home, except for eating, sleeping and now, writing.
There were so many times that I dreamt of becoming busy with a lot of things. I wished to continue reading novels which I enjoyed doing when I was in HS. I also wished to leave the house and hangout with friends like before. But upon thinking of it, the passion suddenly disappears. I have no idea; maybe I tend to jump into conclusions hastily. If I used to be hooked with the internet before, meaning talk to a lot of my friends in YM, now, I suddenly lost shape in staying for a long chat. If you could see it, my happy life turned out to be dull all of a sudden. And I just couldn't help but become dazed by it.
As the Great Chinese Philosopher Lao Tzu put it: Silence is a great source of strength. I believe him. All I am busy with, if you would allow me to consider it as an action, is to be silent nowadays. I am fond of seating in one corner, observing my surroundings, thinking about a lot of things, day-dreaming, and reflecting without making any sound and these are enough for me to call it a day.
You might ask me what I am busy thinking of these days. Well, most of which is about this thing called love that I am apparently hooked up with as seen with my past entries. Others include the past and what has I become and etc. It's not much of thinking, I guess, but philosophizing perhaps. That's one good thing about the Ateneo education, I am well-fed with philo stuff: human-self, God and others.
With these, all I can say is, I see a different me now. So many things have changed and I can sense a mature being inside me. After fourteen years in academics, after six years of vacationless and of being a full-time student and at the same time, of being full-time in organization works, I have changed so much. Not drastically but perhaps, smoothly. I always tell this to my friends, at least those who are close to me, that everything in my life seems to start falling in the right place, piece-wise-smooth I guess (haha, fourier series!).
It may not be obvious physically, which I have longed for development and improvement, but mentally and emotionally, it's quite evident (that is, in my perspective, take note). I have loved and continued loving special people that has somehow contributed a lot to my development as a person for myself and as a person for others. Thanks to you guys.
Most of which, that I am very thankful of, is that I have learned to love genuinely and purely. That is the kind of love, which requires no reason and expectation. Good thing here is that I learned how to think carefully and deliberately. No more galumphing at least.
10:46 AM
Monday, March 19, 2007
Indefatigable
Nothing's tiring when it comes to love. Indefatigable as it is.
Even if I know it's a jump or whether I am certain or not of what's coming ahead of me, I still have to admit this with humility. Thee may be right and I may get hurt in the end but I don't care. What matters most is the happiness today, not of yesterday nor tomorrow. That is, with thee and with me. The premise must be firstly confirmed, how does thee feel with me? The answer is the only thing that matters then.
Whatever it is, my only response would be: I am aware and willing to be brave in the possibility that thee'll break my heart TOMORROW, but at least that will be better than not being with thee NOW and breaking my heart TODAY.
Loving is never tiring. It is as indefatigable as it would seem.
7:32 PM
Saturday, March 17, 2007
The Rapport Dream
Nobody dreams of being alone in whatever he does. One always needs company. Even in conspiring against others, one who could be considered the other behalf is a must to have. Otherwise, it won't be 'to conspire' in the first place. A certain relationship must exist then. That is, a friendship's rapport – the kind of relationship out of sympathetic understanding with one another – is needed.
But when it comes to 'love,' although a rapport is needed, it becomes a dream. Painstakingly, you'll never imagine how you would be able to achieve it once you experience the irony of mind and heart. And I damned hate it.
How ironic that I have begun saying these things. Am I already regretting things in the past? No, not at all. I just couldn't figure out a lot of things recently. I am in a state of confusion about life, about the future. Although there were quite new things that I have had since then, I still remain dazed and haven't recovered or adapted (if this is a better word) that much with the old ones. There were so many mind-boggling things that need some answers, despite the fact that I already seem to know it.
All I am concerned of at the moment is to be happy, which most of us do, or maybe, if we come to think of it, we should be thinking twice for it might jeopardize our future. Meaning, you chose to be happy now and take the risk of experiencing extreme sadness in the future. See, another never-ending heart-mind-heart-mind conflict. Dammit.
Now, with all of these, I go back to myself. I realize how foolish I am in being so selfless in these matters. I admit, I can hardly control my feelings regarding these things, especially love. Even if people say that it's just mind over matter, in love and loving, it prevails objectively. You can't say that you might not be thinking in love (familiar as it is with the movie and tv shows we’re fond of watching) but this isn't true because, I believe that when one's in love, he's already thought about it before loving the person. It is such that he ended up being hooked by it.
Enough of this.
Whatever it is, one thing for sure, I can never love this way again.
Wan - no more!
It was a blast. I can hardly understand this feeling that I came across recently. Maybe, it's because school's over. Or rather, it's just now that I am coming to appreciate every single thing that is happening to me, no matter how little and insignificant it may be. It seems to me that everything has started to fall into place - like puzzle "nightmare" pieces. I just hope it's falling in the right place, at the right time - indeed maybe.
I was given five days to decide. Not to decide (a not-so-appropriate word), but rather propose. I couldn't see the logic for the ultimatum but yeah, it could mean a lot even if I am already decided. I just feel different and I am pretty sure and determined of this. Still, I have to wait, in accordance to my boss's order.
Whatever this is, I will definitely give this a shot. =) I am wan no more. I am once again rejuvenated and was brought back to my senses. I am ready to face reality and adult life now! Yehey, thank God for the memorable school days. =) Happy Graduation to all Seniors!
3:45 PM
Monday, March 12, 2007
