The Rapport Dream
Nobody dreams of being alone in whatever he does. One always needs company. Even in conspiring against others, one who could be considered the other behalf is a must to have. Otherwise, it won't be 'to conspire' in the first place. A certain relationship must exist then. That is, a friendship's rapport – the kind of relationship out of sympathetic understanding with one another – is needed.
But when it comes to 'love,' although a rapport is needed, it becomes a dream. Painstakingly, you'll never imagine how you would be able to achieve it once you experience the irony of mind and heart. And I damned hate it.
How ironic that I have begun saying these things. Am I already regretting things in the past? No, not at all. I just couldn't figure out a lot of things recently. I am in a state of confusion about life, about the future. Although there were quite new things that I have had since then, I still remain dazed and haven't recovered or adapted (if this is a better word) that much with the old ones. There were so many mind-boggling things that need some answers, despite the fact that I already seem to know it.
All I am concerned of at the moment is to be happy, which most of us do, or maybe, if we come to think of it, we should be thinking twice for it might jeopardize our future. Meaning, you chose to be happy now and take the risk of experiencing extreme sadness in the future. See, another never-ending heart-mind-heart-mind conflict. Dammit.
Now, with all of these, I go back to myself. I realize how foolish I am in being so selfless in these matters. I admit, I can hardly control my feelings regarding these things, especially love. Even if people say that it's just mind over matter, in love and loving, it prevails objectively. You can't say that you might not be thinking in love (familiar as it is with the movie and tv shows we’re fond of watching) but this isn't true because, I believe that when one's in love, he's already thought about it before loving the person. It is such that he ended up being hooked by it.
Enough of this.
Whatever it is, one thing for sure, I can never love this way again.
4:02 PM
Saturday, March 17, 2007
