Sickly Impossible
I never thought that simple stomach cramps could be that painful - like I was facing death. I sought for so many proven and tested remedies but nothing seem to be effective. I was bed ridden the entire day, alone and very afraid. Thanks to Grammy for she was there to lend me a hand in one of the most dreadful days of my life.
Like it was the end - that I let go of my responsibilities, in school and at home - that I have forgotten who I was and who I want to be.
It was sickly impossible to think.
10:35 PM
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Unknown Desolations
In theology, there are what we call consolations - the treasured moments that make us feel better as persons, as human beings. On the other hand, at the other end, there are the desolations - which normally bring us down until our last drop as good people. This is one of the Ignatian teachings that makes my logical mind and sound heart.
In times of desolations, we need to recall a bit of our consolations to fill in our full-being, to move on and be happy. It should be easy if you know what consolations will cover up those desolations but it would be detrimental if you're unaware of your desolations - in the first place. Our consolations are there but we hardly pick the right ones to heal - easily.
I have been caught up with a strange, unreasonable and illogical feeling. It sounds like real love - true love, for most of us. But I can hardly pinpoint the desolation and choose the appropriate consolation. I trembled, got totally depressed and felt really bad.
I mourned, cried a river for the first time and mourned again after this strange feeling that I have. Talking Greys, it's like an open wound never closed after an operation because there's still to be done - and it is painful, very.
It is not about me, which I am quite sure. My mind tells me to be okay and not feel bad because I shouldn't feel bad after all. It says that everythings not worth it so cut the crap and move on. But I hardly could.
I was left hanging - this best describes it. I need answers maybe, some explanations - the sound and acceptable ones. Or else this will drive me crazy.
Looking at the bright side, I believe that this is a good feeling. This is a learning experience.
(I have overcame my self issues, I became ready finding that there's was nothing to be ready after all.)
11:36 AM
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Finite Simple Group (of Order Two)
A Klein Four original by M. SalomoneThe path of love is never smooth
But mine's continuous for you
You're the upper bound in the chains of my heart
You're my Axiom of Choice, you know it's true
But lately our relation's not so well-defined
And I just can't function without you
I'll prove my proposition and I'm sure you'll find
We're a finite simple group of order two
I'm losing my identity
I'm getting tensor every day
And without loss of generality
I will assume that you feel the same way
Since every time I see you, you just quotient out
The faithful image that I map into
But when we're one-to-one you'll see what I'm about
'Cause we're a finite simple group of order two
Our equivalence was stable,
A principal love bundle sitting deep inside
But then you drove a wedge between our two-forms
Now everything is so complexified
When we first met, we simply connected
My heart was open but too dense
Our system was already directed
To have a finite limit, in some sense
I'm living in the kernel of a rank-one map
From my domain, its image looks so blue,
'Cause all I see are zeroes, it's a cruel trap
But we're a finite simple group of order two
I'm not the smoothest operator in my class,
But we're a mirror pair, me and you,
So let's apply forgetful functors to the past
And be a finite simple group, a finite simple group,
Let's be a finite simple group of order two
(Oughter: "Why not three?")
I've proved my proposition now, as you can see,
So let's both be associative and free
And by corollary, this shows you and I to be
Purely inseparable. Q. E. D.
11:53 AM
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I am becoming fluid nowadays.
I can hardly believe that I have stayed at Manang's overnight while it was raining hard just to make sure that I am getting Upper A tickets for the Ateneo-LaSalle UAAP game. I want to see it even just for the last time since it's their last encounter for the season and also, since this will be my last year in Ateneo. This feels odd because I never realized that I still have this strange little school spirit in me.
I also never thought that I am going to be this passionate about looking for a good pair of shoes. Gee, I even spent hours visiting e-bay, searching for store websites, and looking for their collections. I also never stopped calling outlets if they still have stocks but apparently, wala. It started when I saw this last pair of Gola shoes at a sports store. I didn't get it for Php2000 because it didn't look brand new. If it's on sale for Php1000, then I could have just tolerated the dirt.
This is really strange.
3:20 PM
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Nebbish - thou shant be
Dear avid reader,
You must be wondering what this is about. Well, I won't give you any hints. Let us just say that I want to talk to you, seriously and with sincerity. I wrote to you because I am so concerned on what's happening to you due to some ill-fated phenomena that not only surrounds you but engulfs you - which is much worse.
What are these ill-fated phenomena, which I understand to be so bothering and that if you will continue to be nebbish, you will suffer. I cannot put it into words exactly - since the description I used is very subjective - but allow me to cite some examples instead.
You must be worried if you're losing friends. Don't be because you're not doing anything wrong. Think of it this way, isn't it a good thing that at this early stage of your life, you come to know who your true friends are? You must be lucky because things are manifesting transparently to you. Well, except of course to my next example.
You must be also worried of the hi-hello-and-stabbing-you-at-your-back or simply put, your orocan and great-at-pretending 'friends.' I say that you really must be worried and you must watch out for them. If you're hearing confessions and testimonials from people about these acquaintances (we cannot call these people friends) that they're really such beings, pile it up for a while as your data. I mean, don't believe it right away. Use your instinct, open your mind and heart in making your judgement. And if you believe that the data you've gathered are sufficient enough to match your judgement, then voila - starting doing something.
How do we know who these people are? Honestly, it's difficult to find out but we could have hints, you know. First, if you are hearing never-ending criticisms and comments about you - from head to toe and from body to soul, then it could be a good hint. What's so special about this is that you hear it from other people who could be your potential and good sources, for they make stories - good and juicy - at your expense. If , at the end of the day, they'll come to you and narrate everything, then that's an exception. But if it will take them more than a week span, then it becomes the other way. But anyway, don't get affected coz you are not the only one who's lucky enough to have that natural selection of friends - you know, survival of the fittest.
What if it's no longer commentaries and criticisms but rather personal views about anything - ranging from life, love up until the dumbest thing that you can think of. Well if it's towards you, then don't be worried. I am sure that you'll laugh out loud at it. But if a true friend of yours gets affected, then you must do something to get rid of that poisonous idea that runs through your friends nerves. What do I mean? Are you familiar with life's philosophies and beliefs of each individual - ranging from the most closeminded to the most ill-fated ? We can treat it as our poisonous substance - the venom that runs through our veins. If that venom has gone all-over your true friend's body, then go after the snake who have transfered that venom. The snake who is an expert at chemistry, can easily create these poisonous and rubbish substances in infecting a nebbish easily. I am not saying that you kill the snake rightaway, no, not that. Make it feel the bliss of pain by first, letting it know that it captured an innocent victim. Afterwards, start formulating your remedy by disproving its chemical reactions - or out-of-this-world-rubbish-and-nitwitted ideas. The snake will suffer from agony and starts taking off its evil and thick skin and later on transforms like you - its opposite. Won't this be a good mission in life? Well, it's irritating at first, if you're too close to being a nebbish, but have a good grip of it eventually by taking time. In real life, these snakes are really hard to deal with coz its venom mostly produces my previous examples. I wonder how naive they could be. Too bad...
I believe that what I have said are already enough. Let me just give you a final note. It would have been my reason for writing you - to open you to the idea that a python and its minions exist and I advise you to not worry coz there are so many others that care for you, like me, like us and like you do. I assure you that by the end of the day, justice will prevail and you'll be uplifted. Yes, there is hope and a good fortune that awaits us! Be patient for now. If you need anything, I will just be around. Kindly send my regards to your true friends, to our true friends...
'Til next time.
PS: FYI, it might be Rowling's reason for creating Neville's character, who starts being nebbish. Just a thought...
10:45 PM
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
A Confabulation
I have been stressed out lately, that's why I was not able to attend my classes for two consecutive days. Overfatigue - I guess. I had a keen sight of it but somehow I ignored it and there ya go, I got so sick. Not really a serious one but I am really bothered by it. Vomitting - grabe, I just want to forget it.
Anyway, finally, I got the chance to write down my thoughts after a long while. I even displayed my status in YM as "online after a 10 years." It feels different that for the first time this month or in months I suppose, I managed to stay in the house for the entire day. I am usually not home everyday including weekends since I have to cope with my academics - yeah, now I can call it "academics." Haha
Nothing's really up except for some mind-boggling philosophical encounters. The other day, my cousin and I, on our way to school, rode an FX going to Katipunan. It usually costs us Php15 for a direct ride and at times, we take two FX rides (One to LRT, then from LRT to Katips) for Php20, ten each. This time, the driver immediately reminded us that we have to pay him Php20 to Katipunan. To our dismay, we decided to get off at LRT and ride another FX to Katips instead of paying him Php20 for the direct ride.
Was it a good idea or was it just because of pride? At first, I thought it was lame since it will cost us the same amount, and only, magpapagod pa kaming bumama at mainitan sa paghihintay na makasakay ng isa pa. Also, isn't it the same thing with our option of taking the LRT route first then go to Katips? The only difference is that this time, we have ridden an FX explicitly saying that it will pass by Katips. What if we have ridden an LRT FX at first and then upon reaching the station, the driver suddenly offered another ride to Katips for another cost? Won't it matter more or less?
Upon thinking about it, I guess there's a great deal of difference. Since both drivers are taking chances in maximizing their income, which is not a bad thing, I guess the subtlety of their way of taking advantage of the situation is the one that matters.
Consider the first driver, the one with the direct route to Katips. Since he's asking for a fixed amount of payment, he's somewhat assuring of a fixed income that is the same if he's to take an LRT route first. While the other driver, the one with the LRT route then to Katips, asking for a fair and regulated amount compared to the first driver, is not even assured of a fixed income (worth the same as the first) since he's not sure if he would be able to take passengers by then. See the difference?
One appears to be an arbitrageur - which is not really good for humankind - while the other is just doing his way, trying to be fair with life by taking life's risks.
In writing this, I thought it's just a matter of thinking which is the lesser of two evil but later on, I realize it's not the case. It appears to be bad at first but looking at it in a deeper and philosophical way, there's goodness pala. I hope that the driver could accept his fault on this and that he'll realize the burden that he's causing his passengers - like me who was bothered by it and even came up with this one after a hell week. Whew.
Anyway, there's one thing I learned from here, that we should never look on things based on how we feel about it. We have to look at it an objective point of view, not just by saying which of which is better of two worse scenarios. And in the end, one remains important of all, that no matter how good or bad we've been, we should never fail to accept our faults. Humility, anyway, will ease the tinkering mind and unstable heart This is a confabulation to all of us. Cheers!
6:44 PM
Friday, July 27, 2007
Triskaidekaphobia
I fear the number 13, especially when it is friday. Like today.
It is at times like this that I ironically look back by sneaking forward. I tend to remember every single bad thing that happened yesterday by wondering what could happen tomorrow. Weird. The good thing is, today is the day that made me realize how vulnerable I am in making the so-called 'butterfly effect' happen.
Among the worst times I have had, losing someone is the only thing that I cannot get over about.
I wanna talk about girls this time, the ones that I somehow lost outta-nowhere.
I miss this girl I get to chitchat and catch up with whenever I confront her about her life (love life, family life, social life, etc etc) in one of my old tambayans. I usually see her in the morning - sleepy as hell. We usually laugh about each other's personal shortcomings. She has taught me things that I never knew that I could barely learn - like those that has its own spot in the town. She is one of the boys although she has girl friends. I thought we're close enough but nah. I ruined that dream with my stupid tantrums. After which, I never had the chance to spend quality time with her.
I also miss this girl who always inform me of her very unfortunate lovelife. We never talk about it in person but I have sensed her genuine feelings despite the limitation of text messaging. She never stopped ranting about her life, which we always laugh at towards the end. I lost her by expressing my sincere feelings, saying good things about her. She must have misinterpreted it. My bad.
Another is this girl that I missed. She was taken away by someone else and was driven away by some bad feelings. My hands are up about it by I ain't guilt-free.
How about this girl who appears and disappears without prior notice? Nah, I wish to talk about her some other time.
Last for this entry is this girl who was engulfed by evil. I have known her with a good heart but was made devilish by her emotions. I cannot do anything about it and it makes me feel bad. And so, she became lost in darkness and I can hardly find her anymore.
What so peculiar about these girls is that I lost them whenever I share with them a piece of me that I never let an ordinary friend see. It is just sad, especially if it comes from this fear - triskaidekaphobia.
10:50 PM
Friday, July 13, 2007
Circumspectivity
I have to admit that I need to give up. I have to protect my little self, my little life. And I have to do everything to save what is left of me. I had to let go... to forget. And I am very sorry for being selfish, for committing this big mistake which I will regret for a lifetime.
I am just being cautious - doing an activity described by prudence is a way of becoming one.
PS: Cirscumspect + activity = circumspectivity, WWITS.
3:07 AM
Saturday, April 28, 2007
A Nonplus
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one --- person, no different from any other --- person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. And I hate love."
Thanks to Adri and the great Neil Gaiman.
10:32 PM
Friday, March 23, 2007
Wander-dreaming
One might think that it would be insanely to seat in one corner and at least, reflect and dream. But I tell you, it has never been that good and that new. To wander in a lot of dreams is very promising, it makes us feel good... and very cool.
I switched the TV off very early, relative to the normal hours. Then after clearing all the mess in my room, all the photocopies, test papers, quizzes, love notes... etc., I went to bed and played some music.
I was actually sleepy at first but later on, I found it amusing listening to my favorite old songs. Then I have thought of a lot of things.... wonderful things. And I realized that I never really lost the passion for sad music.
Oh well, it was just one of the happiest moments of my life. Please ignore this post, for this might not mean anything. ♣
3:48 PM
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
